Children. Psalm 127
says of them, “Sons are a heritage from
the Lord, children a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.”
Children are a great blessing to their
parents. There is a joy and satisfaction
that comes from reproducing yourself.
Father and mother seem to have an innate excitement and desire to help
their little one’s discover and experience the world in which they live. And what a double blessing it is when your
children grow up to have families of their own and they are both your children
and your best friends. But unless mother
and father are careful, children can be a double edged sword—on the one hand a
great joy and blessing, and on the other hand, a potential threat to “put
asunder” what God has joined together.
How can this be? How
is this possible? How could our own
children be obstacles to our marriage?
It’s not that our children themselves are the obstacles, but mothers and
fathers can unwittingly put their children in that position. Just as it is hard work to continue dating
while you are married, it takes hard work and a conscious effort to manage the
two most important relationships in your life—your relationship as husband and
wife and your relationship as parents to your children. By virtue of their needs, children are going
to take a lot of time and priority in the life of their parents.
Every parent wants their children to grow up and have a
better life then they had; every parent wants to be able to give their children
all the advantages of life that they didn’t or couldn’t have. Because of this parents can so gear their
lives to their children that that relationship can come at the expense of their
relationship as husband and wife. After
18-25 years of working all day, then rushing home to get children to all the
extra-curricular activities that they want to participate in, attending all of
their recitals, games, performances, etc. there isn’t much time left over for
parents to nurture their own relationship as husband and wife.
Many a husband and wife may have so devoted themselves to
their children that once their children have left home husband and wife can find
out that they have grown so far apart that they don’t share the same interests,
values, hopes, and dreams anymore.
Any time we are putting too much focus on something we risk
getting out of balance.
When a husband and wife are keeping their relationship and
their relationship with their children in balance they are doing the best thing
they can do for their children. Children
will thrive best and have more confidence and stability in their lives when they
see how great a relationship their mother and father have. Parents do more than raise their children; they
are models and examples to their children.
Children don’t have to be involved in every activity in
school, after school, or outside of school, nor should they have to be at
school from early in the morning till late at night. They can participate in one
activity each semester and still accomplish the same things.
Besides, the more time spent at school means the less time
there is for you to spend time with them and being a family. Children don’t have to have every electronic
device known to man nor do they have to have the latest in clothes, toys, and
electronics—especially if it comes at the expense of mom and dad being able to
spend some time with their children.
That time spent together is the perfect time for parents to teach and
model for their children their values and morals; it’s a great time for parents
to show their children not just how much
they love and value them, but how much they love and value each other.
While on the surface children seem to have a carefree,
happy-go-lucky life that is not the case.
Children worry that if mom and dad are having trouble it could be their
fault; they worry about the same things we worry about—what if we have to
move? What if we can’t afford new shoes
or clothes? What happens if mom or dad
dies? What happens if they get
divorced? They don’t have the control
over those things to the extent that we do as adults. Remember, they are dependent on us! Children need to grow up in a stable
environment where they know that mom and dad are okay. When mom and dad are okay, then they know
that they are okay, that is safe and secure.
The best thing that parents can do for their children is to love each
other and their children know it.
Children need to see their parents hug and kiss each other—and not just
a peck on cheek as one is flying out the door to go somewhere. They need to see mom and dad holding hands
and playfully teasing each other. Again,
as children see this in their parents they will learn how to be spouses when
they grow up and how to be parents as well.
It also doesn’t hurt our children to know that they aren’t
the center of the universe. I truly
believe we do our children a disservice when we cater to their every need. Not only will they be in for a rude awakening
when they grow up and find out that the world won’t treat them as mom and dad
did, they won’t be of a mind to serve others; they will be all about
themselves. Consider these words from
Hebrews 12:7-11 concerning discipline: “For what son is not disciplined by his
father? If you are not disciplined (and
everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true
sons. Moreover, we have all had human
fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father
of our spirits and live! Our fathers
disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us
for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but
painful. Later on, however, it produces
a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
And finally, it won’t hurt your children if you take a night
once a week or every two weeks to go out on date night and leave them home with
a family member or baby-sitter. This will
help you work on your relationship and insure that you grow together rather
than apart. If affording a sitter is a
hardship, consider banding with other couples and take turns watching each
other’s children so you can have some alone time.
