Take The Time; Make The Time; Do The Time

Every year I have intentions of keeping our yard weed free and the flowers blooming.  My wife and I both have pretty busy schedules in the summer, and sometimes watering the flowers and keeping the weeds at bay and the trees and shrubs trimmed and

pruned just doesn’t happen.  Not only do I get exasperated with myself for not being more disciplined, I also get a letter from my homeowners association.  That makes it even worse.  This year I was bound and determined to get it right.  I started early and I worked a couple of hours each night in the spring getting all the beds cleaned out.  After all the shrubs had lost their spring blossoms I started trimming away.  My wife planted flowers in the yard and I made a concerted effort to water them regularly—especially in the hottest and driest weeks of the summer.  Guess what?  No letter from the association this year!  The yard looked great.  Even some of the neighbors said so.

But then . . . The last few weeks in August hit.  Time got away and we were gone over Labor Day weekend. When we got home all of our flowers had pretty much bit the dust and the weeds were taking over.  I still haven’t gotten to them.  In fact, I could be out there weeding right now but I have chosen to be inside writing this blog instead!  I tell myself to take just a couple of minutes every morning and pull a few weeds and the task won’t be so daunting.  But I don’t and then the task seems too daunting.  So it doesn’t get done.

Having a garden and a nice yard is a lot of work.  You have to keep at it constantly.  Weeds are relentless at trying to take over everything while the heat of summer seems to suck all the water out of the soil so the flowers wilt.  Nicely pruned and trimmed trees and shrubs don’t stay that way for long—they just keep growing and doing their own thing.  You are never done tending a garden or a yard.  You have to work at it every day and then some.

The same is true when it comes to marriage.  That is why I always tell couples in pre-marital counseling that when they get married DON’T FORGET TO KEEP DATING!!!!  If couples tended to dating the way many couples tend their marriages there wouldn’t be very many marriages.  The point is we tend to work at dating, but then when we get married we figure we are done (I caught the fish).  But remember, the goal of marriage isn’t being married (nor is it children).  The goal of marriage is companionship.  Marriage is just like a garden—having a beautiful one means constantly working at it.  The weeds of selfishness, hobbies, community and organization involvement, career, family, children (yes, children), and the like are all vying to take over the garden of this beautiful union that God has created between a man and a woman.

When dating we are willing to put in the time necessary to be together.  We are willing to change schedules, set aside other things we may want to do or get accomplished, and cut back on time spent with other friends and family all for the purpose of spending time with each other.  And why do we do this?  Because we deem spending time with the other person to be so important to us that we are happy to work at it.  And the result of all the work at dating is worth it because the relationship brings joy and happiness to our life—even meaning and purpose and satisfaction.  I know, I know, when you are married it is different—there is work and other obligations; there are the time demands of children; and there is a need for alone time as well.  Believe me, I get it!  But the reality is this—if you can find the time to be together when you are dating, then you can find the time to be together when you are married.  If anything, marriage should be easier than dating because now that you are married you come home to each other, whereas when you were dating you went home to your own place, then had to go out to be together (not only am I old fashioned, but I am Biblical when it comes to not living together before marriage).  What changes from dating to marriage is simply that we stop working at the relationship.

Take the time, make the time, do the time—to date each other.  Because my wife and I both have time demands on our work we schedule time together on our calendars.  You could do the same.  Set aside time for one another by putting yourselves on the calendar.  Then when something comes up you can say, “Sorry I’d like to but I have a previous commitment that I just can’t reschedule.”  Not only does it work, but it lets your spouse know that you consider them and your marriage to them important.  That earns good husband or wife points. 

Men, the Scriptures have given us the greater responsibility in marriage—that is why the husband is the head—so to get out more help out more!  Let’s face it; we are willing to let our wives do all the work.  But then, when they don’t have time for us or are too tired from shouldering all of the responsibility we grouse and complain.  So it’s time for us to help out more around the castle.  The more we help out the more time our wives will have to spend time with us; the more time our wives have the less likely they are going to be too tired (get my drift?).  Helping out signals your wife that you love and care about her; helping out says you see her and her needs as important.  When she sees that she will be more likely to want to respond to your desire to spend time together.  Plus, you’ll end up earning more husband points.

Men, here is another tip.  How much time have you wasted asking each other over and over again, “what would you like to do?  Where would you like to go?”  As a woman once told me:  “A woman likes a man with a plan”.  Again, don’t leave all the work to your wife when it comes to spending time together.  You made plans when you were dating, so do it when you are married as well.  Be sure to listen to conversation with your wife about movies she would like to see and places she would like to go; ask if there is anything particular she would like to do, and if there is, plan to do it.  Always have a back-up plan in case there isn’t something that your wife wants to do.  If money is a concern, then do things that are free or pretty cheap.  Remember the object is to spend quality time together.  The time spent together will be what you remember and appreciate the most.  That will be the thing that keeps you closer together and keeps the garden of your marriage weeded, trimmed, pruned, and beautiful.

(For many couples kids will be the big stumbling block.  I will address that issue in the next blog.)